I'm sayin' it!

Tomorrow is the last day of July and it feels appropriate to do some sort of detox for the month of August. I'm not really sure how this is going to go but I am going to give it my best shot.

I have read on many, many websites that those who use their smartphones to an excessive degree and/or are on social media (Facebook and such) are found to be depressed. I truly believe this.

If it was not for Facebook I would not be communicating with any other human in the outside world, other than my son. He lives with me, he doesn't have a say in this matter. It's not often I chat with friends, or even have many friends for that matter. I have co-workers I see during the school year but it's summer and I won't be seeing them until the end of August when work/school starts back up.
I feel like I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and to save myself I need to shut it down.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm crazy. I'm comparing my life to those around me. I'm either not good enough or "I'm not that crazy". I'm starting to judge people more harshly, finding them to be a little too hypocritical when they say one thing but post another.
I need to step back and remind myself, this is Facebook; this is not real. People, myself included, only put out there what we want people to see.
I only post the good days, the good pictures, the decent moments.
I didn't post the bullshit moment I had in this house the other day with a snappy 14 year old boy and had to put myself in an adult time out before I felt the urge to knock him out! I'd be judged as a horrific parent if I showed that kind of weakness.
I don't show pictures of my insanely trashed house, because I am just way too depressed some days to even move off the couch. I just want to make it out of my bedroom, in to the shower and in clean clothes before it's time to go back to bed. If I can get that much done in a day; it's been a success.

With all that being said, the month of August I am going to try my damnedest to stay off Facebook. I am going to uninstall the app from my phone so I am not tempted to just scroll through it randomly throughout the day, I have to uninstall the messenger app also. This is not going to be easy! Thinking about it is already making my heart race and it's not like I'm even connected to most of these people.
Such trivial bullshit.

Lost: Christmas Spirit. If found, please return.

My family always had traditions; predictable traditions. Christmas Eve was the same, as was Christmas Day. Routine.
It's human nature to need routine.

Christmas Eve was all about family. It was often the second time of the year we truly came together as one. Everything was centered around family and food. There would be homemade peanut brittle, freshly made needhams, and a glass jar of peanuts that swiveled in the most intricate way that she placed ever so gently in the center of that long coffee table.
Dinner was always made with incredible love. Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Memere didn't want to cook or spend time in the kitchen away from the ones she loved most. She added her extras, the things she could really perfect with the most love.

Santa would always visit. There would be presents. The video camera capturing it all and heating up that living room with its giant light to a temperature so hot you were oblivious to the fact that not only was it December in Maine but the door was also propped open.

There was laughter, food, Santa, and even presents. Being a child, of course the gifts were important, they are to every kid but a lot of those memories are gone. The memories of Christmas that are the most vivid now are the ones that matter the most: family, food, laughter and love.

My family has drifted, grown, divorced and remarried and the only thing I look forward to most is taking down the tree on Christmas Day as soon as my son walks out the door to go celebrate Christmas with his father. Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing him open his gifts and that pure excitement on his face when he gets that "hot ticket" item he had asked for.

Tomorrow, Christmas Eve, will be strictly laughter, love, food and family. A family of two.

Our new puppy, River! We adopted this sweet little boy from our local animal shelter recently and I'm thinking the saying is true, they actually rescue you. He has been such a joy and so much fun!

On a side note: having this puppy has opened my eyes to a whole different world that is around me. Apparently I didn't have much to say in June but it's now July so look out... because I have shit to say!

Recently I read a pretty moving article and the man's therapist gave him some homework, some words he was to say to himself every morning, it went a little something like this:

“Today I am going on a long commute that I hate to go to a job that I hate to work for a boss that I hate and be surrounded by coworkers I hate. Then I will drive home to hang out with friends I outgrew ten years ago. I will continue to live in an area I hate and I will not face any of my fears today.”

 Reading just those words alone struck me and I actually began to tear up. Not just because I live those words every single day, but I happen to be reading that on my phone as I was walking in to work. What were the chances?

The subject (drug addiction) didn't hit home, but a lot of the content did and since then I really have been thinking non-stop about everything around me.

Then I thought back, dug a little deeper and decided it's time to get shit done.

Because in all reality... I drive a short commute that I hate, to a job that I hate, to work for a boss who doesn't respect me, and be surrounded by coworkers I hate. Then I will drive home to be in an apartment I hate, next to neighbors I do not trust. I do not see my friends anymore and when I do, I don't feel like I know who they are. I will continue to live in an area I now hate and I will not face any of my fears today or ever step outside of my comfort zone.

I get it. Really, I do. I will be the first person to raise my hand, jump up and down, or beg to hop on the back of somebody's (that I trust) motorcycle.
I understand the thrill, the rush, the freedom of driving on that open road even if I have never driven one myself, but I have been a passenger since before dirt was discovered.Ok, maybe not that long but you get it!

When I am in my vehicle I give bikers their space. I respect them. I know how it feels to be on a bike and have some jackass waytooclose.

Today was a different story.
If you are going to be on a bike and ride my ass because you are pissed off I am doing a little over the speed limit YET you ignore the fact that I have a minivan in front of me and a HUGE tractor trailer truck in front of said mini van and decide to pass ALL THREE of us, I am not going to have much sympathy for you when your ass ends up smeared all over the road. Your family? Absolutely!
I mean come on really! You couldn't see far enough ahead to pass one car, never mind three and truly be safe.

Be smart.

Bikers are constantly pissing and moaning about "share the road", "other drivers never look for us", "they ride on our ass"... but if you are going to do moronic bullshit like pass three vehicles, drive 117 mph, and/or tailgate cars, then you're on your own. I'll start sending memos out to local paramedics informing them that they should start carrying shovels this summer, it seems they're going to need them.

Yes! Wouldn't that be grand?! Because reading... "We have completed the interviewing and hiring process and have filled the position with a candidate we felt best matched our opening."  is a giant kick in the head and preferably, one I'd rather not experience any more.